Sunday, April 26, 2009

Puke, I Am Your Father

Prior to the past two weeks, it had actually been some time since I'd (pardon the vernacular) blown chucks. But having to endure the recent inhospitality of a stomach virus, I find that memory did not serve me well. There are certain do's and don'ts with the art of throwing up. How does one throw up well? Here are a couple of reminders to help make the most of such an ignominious event.
1. Pause to pray - Piety works when you've incurred the porcelain god's wrath. It's best to lie prostrate, light some incense and play some Enya to soothe yourself in your blubbery contrition.
2. Pinch the nose - What's not fun? Puking. What's really not fun? Having to prolong the experience because you gave your nasal cavity a new coat of paint. I've heard that there are rare mythological creatures who don't projectile vomit from every facial orifice, but I have higher hopes of meeting a unicorn in person.
3. Disrobe if possible - Nothing could strip you of more dignity than having to wear an unwelcome pity badge. Stock your workstation with a handy Tide pen, which incidentally, is not a handy writing utensil.
4. Double whammy - Given that your problems have escalated to the throw up / throw down combo, alternative means of collection may be necessary. Take a Saturday to peruse local garage sales for 70's Tupperware. Should they be necessary, your finds will be the perfect objects of disdain.
5. Stage an exorcism - Who needs split pea soup when you've got the real deal? Keeping a micro-cassette recorder around will help legitimize your metaphysical experience, and odds are your friends won't be able to distinguish your puke-speak from liturgical Latin.
6. Everyone's an artist - Purchasing a few canvases may just turn those chunks into bucks. Think SpinArt meets Jackson Pollock. "I call this piece, Gastrointestinal Abstraction. To your left, Technicolor Yawning."
7. Share the love - JK Rowling and Warner Brothers cinema have made it easy for us to share the joys of puking with others. A few vomit-flavored Bertie Bott's Beans surreptitiously placed in your friend's Jelly Belly dispenser will ensure an untimely spectacle for all to behold. But hey, it's far less malicious than ipecac in the maple syrup.