A Bunch of Moist, Yummy Caca

Every January, the American Dialect Society elects a Word of the Year. Most of the time, nominees have emerged out of pop culture and are thereby confirmed and inducted into the vernacular. Past winners include plutoed, truthiness, purple state, and metrosexual. If we as Americans are so eager to expand our vocabulary, I propose that we also trim the fat. There are parts of speech which, whether inherently deplorable or due to their frequent and vile employ, must be vetoed… excuse me, plutoed. This is by no means an exhaustive list, just a wake-up call to the atrocities now ravaging the English language not to mention my eardrums.


1. “Unch” words

Lunch, munch, crunch, hunch, bunch, punch, brunch, scrunchy

Ladies, you just might get a punch to the face for every time I have to hear about you losing your scrunchie (or is it scrunchy?). Or if I have to hear you chewing your Crunch 'N Munch. You make me want to lose my lunch.


2. “My” words

Yummy, gummy, crumby, rummy, scummy, tummy, shimmy, mummy (sorry British kids)

Yummy in the tummy could be just about the worst thing you could ever say out loud.


3. “Double consonant, L” words

Supple, nipple, dapple, apple, bobble, bubble, kibble, nibble, goggle, giggle, juggle, jiggle, wiggle, diddle, piddle, waddle, muddle, noodle, puddle, doodle, griddle, drizzle, kettle, scuttle, whittle, trickle, knuckle, chuckle

Head over to Google (also painful to say), search for The Wiggles and this is what you'll see:



Could there be a more disgusting and fitting name for an all men, children's entertainment group? Yeah, The Fuggles.


4. Onomatopoeia

I blame comics, Adam West and Wham! Nothing bugs me more than having to figure out how to transcribe or explain some random noise to my mechanic. “No, it was more like a THWIPP-RIP-RIP-RIP… GESHUGA… Yeah, you’re right. Probably a fan belt.”


5. Words that insinuate something shadier than I intended

Moist. That’s all I’m going to say about that.


6. Caca

No explanation necessary.


7. Words that don’t exist but that people think are cute

Scrumptious, splendiferous, itty-bitty, cutesy-wootsy, teeny-weeny

Don't believe Merriam Webster's lies. Scrumptious and splendiferous are not legitimate words. Could anyone take you seriously if this verbal excrement were to exit your lips? I'm gonna say no. And I will plot your untimely departure from this world if you utter the superlatively putrid scrumdiddlyumptious while in my presence.


All of this linguistic hullabaloo finds its culmination in rancid word combos. For example, yummy cake, jazzy pie, and itty bitty giggles. Ok I'm through. I have to go throw up in my mouth to cover the taste of these unpalatable syllables.