Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Art Of Destroying a Craigslist Heckler

Faith in humanity? Gone. Basis? Craigslist. Before I divulge the details of my first Craigslist outing, let me first say that I approached it with utter, unmitigated contempt. Since childhood, I have despised garage sales with a revulsion I normally reserve for canned meat. Maybe it's some anti-frugality character flaw of mine, but by default I want to buy someone else's old, used stuff like I want to bathe in someone else's old bathwater. By contrast, my mother has a secret love affair with estate sales, which are somewhere between the 7th and 8th circles of garage sale hell. Her kitchen is regularly supplemented by the former belongings of the dearly departed. When I recently heard that she had acquired a 70s-era pineapple corer, I accused her of being a culinary tomb raider. In my case, the apple fell far from the tree. No appeal. Whatsoever.

My disdain notwithstanding, I'm not above seeking new means to get rid of all my old crap. And as much as I hated entertaining the idea, Craigslist seemed like the perfect way to expedite the much procrastinated task of cleaning out the garage. Slated for eviction were my ridiculously heavy entertainment center, a queen-sized bed frame, and a 24" tube TV. The ease of posting these three prompted me to consider getting rid of some of my lesser watched DVD sets, i.e. The Office and Heroes, Season 1. Within the next 24 hours, I distilled two previously unknown maxims about Craigslist:

1. If you are trying to get rid of things that are remotely likeable, it's best to post one item every 24 hours. Why? You never know what people will go apeshit for. The bed frame I posted was getting hits 5 minutes after it appeared on the site. And the emails would. not. stop. (Thank god I didn't put my phone number in the ad.) Until a business transaction actually takes place, the merchandise leaves your premises, and you delete the post, the potential exists for people to bug the fuck out of you.

2. By contrast, less popular items will garner complete radio silence. Or worse, they'll tell you how much they don't like it or try to bargain with you after insulting your asking price. I should have been more skeptical when Heroes, Season 1 got a hit; my ad was simple and unassuming enough: "Watched once, only selling to upgrade to Blu-Ray. Amazon retails at $40.99." But you could have heard my jaw hit the floor when this arrived in my inbox.

From Fortune Favors the Bald

To be honest, getting heckled took me aback. Could a complete stranger be any ruder? But despite the surprise, I was more than prepared to take this schmuck down a few notches. And it is here, before we go any further, that I must confess that I am secretly in love with writing the occassional nastogram. What is a nastogram, you say? A missive penned with the most scathing verbal vitriol that you can imagine. What warrants the receipt of a nastogram? Only the most flagrant of offenses by family, friend, or foe. There have only been a handful of recipients; I don't want to paint the picture of me writing letters to the editor each week or spewing venomous nonsense toward any moving target like several radio pundits tend to do.

A bigger person would have taken the high road and ignored the taunt. But I wasn't about to be cyber-bullied (and clearly this kid was just trying to elicit a response); I'd like to think that I barked back for all of you who have previously been victim to a random act of stank. So here is the entire email string, in all its unedited, colloquial glory. It's not pretty, and I make no apologies (except, sorry Mom).

Thehardcorethug: bullshit you can get it for 15 new on amazon you ass clown

Marklebald: Maybe if you buy used from amazon. Or from some Indonesian merchant. Or from an Iraqi DVD black market. But from one of Amazon's domestic warehouses? $40-fuckin-dollars and 99 cents. Sorry to deflate your presumptuous and ill-researched call-out session, but you should probably save your emails for craigslist posts you're actually interested in buying. Do the world a favor, "hard core thug" (who somehow still has an AOL address), and "keep it real" so the rest of us don't have to endure your douchebaggery. This has clearly been a productive Sunday evening for you.

Thehardcorethug: hey dont be using big words they hurt my ummm my whatever is in the head brain that's it they hurt my brain oh yea i fucked your mom bye

Marklebald: Considering the anonymity [nobody knows you] of Craigslist, odds are you wouldn't know if my mother was dead or alive. But for someone as urbane [classy like horseshit] as you, that's probably not a deal-breaker either way.

I'm sorry our public education system [school] failed you. Actually, I feel more sorry for the teachers you more than likely tortured [hurt] with your asinine [shit for brains] contributions to human existence. It's never too late to pick up a dictionary [book] and actually make something of yourself. But that would mean you'd have to be productive [get stuff done], which would require you to remove the thumb from your ass.

Thehardcorethug: hey your smart wanna be friends

Marklebald: So you're either 13 years old or an inmate with computer access. Or both. In which case, I don't do the tutoring thing. And this whole dialogue (if you can call it that) has seriously made me question any opinions I had on the social reintegration of prisoners. Best of luck developing a new skill set while you're behind bars. I hear telemarketers are in high demand in this economy. But you clearly have the personality befitting those pain-in-the-ass calls around dinnertime.

Thehardcorethug: give me a bj

Marklebald: I called it. Prisoner.


MeganGail said...

Hahahahahah! I love it. Although i was well aware of your fondness for Nast-o-grams, i do love reading them from time to time. Thanks for sharing the hilarity!

P.s. Sent from my iPad wiiiitch!

Matt said...

I'm crying like I've never cried before.
Umstoppably funny.

Jacqueline said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No seriously, I can totally imagine you saying this...I have your voice in my head, your sarcastic tone and everything...that made reading it that much better :D

Gina said...

thehardcorethug was the first time I laughed out loud. the second was when you started putting definitions in parenthesis. sweet baby jesus.

tommie said...

You have a true gift of writing from the heart...I laughed so much!